I am trying like hell to make foreclosure look sexy …….. not sure it’s working, but trying like hell …..

They have been having a Friends marathon on … for like a week … one thing …

I just don’t remember hating David Schwimmer this much.

Good lord. What a weenie putz. We're supposed to believe that Ross actually scores Jennifer Aniston? I find myself getting irritated every time his whiney ass is on camera, … then again … why am I watching the Friends marathon?

The Mets Jose Reyes is leading by a percentage point or two, going into the last day of the season, in the National League batting race.

The Brewers Ryan Braun is trailing him.

The Mets play in the morning … Jose Reyes bunts for a base hit and immediately asks his manager to take him out of the game.

That’s how he wants to win the batting championship … he quits after getting a hit in his first at bat.

He then has a ‘watch party’ with all his friends to watch the Brewers game to see if Ryan Braun would get enough hits or not to catch him.

There is just so much wrong with this … and it represents so much of what is bad in today’s sports and today’s society.

What a bitch motherfucker … what a total pussy way to win something.

Take me out while I am ahead, then I will root for the other guy to fail.

What happened to, hell I want to be the champion, I want to bat as many times as possible to show everyone that I am the fucking best hitter in the league.

Oh my god! What is wrong with these players today?

Gutless turds!

In 1941, Ted Williams was batting .3996 going into the last day of the season. It rounded to .400 … his manager told Ted he would hold him out of the days double header so he would finish at .400.

What did Teddy Ballgame say?

Forget that … if I am going to hit .400, I am going to hit .400 ... I am playing.

Williams went 6 for 8 on the day and finished the year at .406 … the last Major Leaguer to hit .400.

Balls.

Players had balls.

This is the society of giving everyone who plays trophies … this entitled freakin’ attitude … it breeds lack of competitiveness … even at our highest sports levels.

You freakin’ bitch your way into the National League Batting Title.

Congratufuckinglations.

You would hate to play and prove you’re the best … the best all the way to the end …

No Jose … you can just quit and root for the other guy to fail …

Ted Williams is rolling over in his cryogenically frozen grave …

Speaking of baseball … how about a good baseball story.

Watching the opening of tonight’s Rangers, Rays playoff series … this 6 year old kid, Cooper Stone threw out the first pitch to Ranger Josh Hamilton.

Cooper’s dad was the guy who fell out of the stands at a Rangers game, trying to field a ball tossed to him by Hamilton.

Fell to his death, with his son, Cooper right beside him at the game.

I mean the guy was a fireman … you can’t even make up something so horrible … but it happened.

And here is this kid … out there with his mom … throws out the first pitch to Josh Hamilton. He gives Hamilton a big hug … his mom hugs Hamilton …

Tears coming down from Ranger fans in the park …

I myself have a lump in my throat watching this thing …

Awesome.

Closest I’ve come to crying watching TV since the last time that god damn Rudy was on …

I went down to San Jose to see my kid … I stopped for gas on I-80 … asked the guy at the gas station to use the restroom.

And he handed me that ‘key’ … you know what I am talking about … the gas station ‘restroom key’.

You know, that key that every jackass from here to Reno has used to go to the restroom … every foul, truck driving, no handwashing mofo has carried back and forth to that nasty ass restroom.

And it’s always drilled into like some sawed off broom handle, wooden stick which just holds on to like every single germ known to man kind.

Like some sort of foul, bacteria ridden, dipstick of death.

Russian Roulette my friends … gas station, bacteria, Russian Roulette.

I was watching Top Gun the other day … hey, it was on … and, well ... it was on ...

... anyway, so I'm watching Top Gun ... what the hell was up with the mid-Eighties?

Did we really think Kelly McGillis was hot? Was she sexy to us?

I mean, the mid-Eighties … Kathleen Turner and Kelly McGillis were our sexy chicks?

That's what we had? Those were our 'go to's'?

What drugs were everyone on back then?

Wait, the Eighties … had to be cocaine … no wonder I didn’t get it … no wonder I didn’t find those girls sexy … have never done coke in my life … and if that era is any example of what cocaine does for your mindset … well I can take that drug off the Amsterdam ‘to do’ list.

Kelly freakin’ McGillis … damn.

Speaking of movies that have a hard time holding up … White Men Can’t Jump.

A couple things.

Could have been a classic.

If they could just have waited like 1 or 2 years to make it.

Just on fashion alone.

Why couldn’t they wait til Michigan’s Fab Five, and later Michael Jordan, had brought in the longer basketball shorts?

Instead it comes out in 1992 … just around the time the Fab Five had started to change the basketball fashion culture.

So instead of going baggy shorts … they went with the short shorts with the spandex bike shorts under it … full-on Roy Tarpley late 80’s early 90’s look … and even have Wesley Snipes wearing that lame bicycle racing hat thing.

Yeah, cuz that's how all the inner-city, playground balling brothers get their street cred ... by wearing Tour de France hats.

Totally dated and a bit odd … they wait 6 months … rethink the wardrobe … it's a classic.

Oh, I said two things … they other issue … Rosie Fucking Perez.

Please, please, please someone please explain this to me …

I would rather be in a Kelly McGillis, Kathleen Turner 2011 Sandwich than even be in the same room as Rosie Perez.

Hmmmm, cocaine? 1992? ……. Maybe …..

I had two inventions that never went anywhere …

A combination fax machine / shredder.

And a ‘Purity Cock Ring’

Both seemed really promising … but, hmmm, yeah … just never caught on …

How come when a NFL kick- returner fields the ball, let’s say 6 yards deep in the end zone and returns it for a touchdown, it goes down as a 106 yard return.

But if the same NFL kick-returner fields the ball 6 yards deep in the end zone and returns it to the 20 … it goes down as a 20 yard return?

Please explain.

Remember when 1,000 yards was a sign of a great year by an NFL running back?

You know if you break that down, in a 16 game NFL season … that is 62.5 yards a game.

Doesn’t seem that spectacular.

Warrant’s Jani Lane was found dead last month in a hotel room.

I text my buddy Mark … ‘RIP Jani Lane’

He texts back … ‘never a good sign when you are found dead in a hotel room’

My response:

Depends on the hotel.

OK, I gotta run … meeting Rosie Perez in a hotel room to do some coke …

- Until next time - SEM