So that show Toddlers & Tiaras … is that like Baywatch for pedophiles?

God damn I am glad the NFL lockout is over … the WNBA announced its All-Star teams and I almost started paying attention.

Amy Winehouse dies at 27. (We’ll talk about that in a bit)

But they found Amy Winehouse dead in her apartment.

Yep, I have a bunch of lame joke bullets chambered … you know about Rehab, no, no, no … shit like that.

Well, no jokes here … I just want to talk about the tragedy and lost talent that was Amy Winehouse.

People remember the freakin’ crazy, addicted train wreck that was Amy Winehouse over the last couple years … but take a listen to the SIN song of the month. Just listen to her voice.

She was fucking amazing.

In a music world full of cardboard cutout princesses singing auto-tuned bubble gum pop written for the corporate money making machine … Amy Winehouse was different … she had soul.

That is about the biggest compliment I could give someone … she had soul.

Listen to her … listen to her sing … there was feeling … pain, happy, sad … emotion … soul.

I used to listen to this old Billie Holiday CD I have … she had that same kind of soul. And look, I am not comparing Amy Winehouse to Billie Holiday … even tho Billie had the same battle with demons that Amy had. But there was just something powerful, something real in her voice … so no jokes here.

And also, maybe … well, not maybe … because of her battles with drugs and alcohol, I felt her pain and rooted for her.

So while I am not surprised by her passing … I am sad for the loss.

In fact … I found out about her death while I was at an AA meeting … my buddy told me.

Again not shocked, but still sad … he also mentioned the significance of rock stars dying at age 27.

I immediately said that Morrison, Janis thing?

Yep … and Hendrix too … but I looked it up … many famous rock stars/musicians died at age 27 … Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones, blues legend Robert Johnson among others …

Crazy.

I am coming down the home stretch on 5 years sobriety … which is fucking crazy … you just lost that bet, yeah you … anyway … but there has been a few things recently that have me questioning my own recovery.

A friends brother called me, all junked out … I tried to help him, but he was beyond my help … a few other things … you know, just life …

But since rehab, I had always given myself one ‘alcoholic’ out … which you aren’t supposed to do. (obviously)

You know ‘outs’ … like if I ever lose my job, I would drink … or if my chick left me, I would drink … if something happened to my dog, I would drink … that kind of shit.

But I have always given myself ONE out … If I ever go to Amsterdam.

If I ever go to Amsterdam I am just going to go fucking rock-star-insane.

I see a lot of people in recovery go out, cash in their chips on ONE beer and then come back the next day all bummed out … well fuck that … if I go out, I am gonna get my money’s worth.

Amsterdam … where everything is freakin’ legal.

I am going to try every booze, every drug, every crazy freaking sexual deviance that they have on the menu … maybe even off the menu.

I am getting a one way ticket cuz I am not making it out alive.

Strippers and syringes.

No bullshit ……….. crazy, crazy, crazy ….

So that was always my joke … always gave me that evil smile.

And I always followed it up with … so … I probably won’t be going to Amsterdam.

Well this is how foul my recovery has been the last few weeks … I actually found myself on PriceLine looking up flights to Amsterdam ... seriously.

I texted some recovery friends about it too … just crazy shit …

The next day, I was in the car … I got a text message from a friend, asking me if I was on my way to Amsterdam … nah, I said … on my way to an AA meeting.

My inner-alcoholic is all-talk.

But it’s probably why I have been sober as long as I have …

Ok, enough of all that shit … let’s move on …

We went to Six-Flags for my son’s birthday.

So we are in line for one of the roller coasters … we are next to go on the ride … in fact, we board the ride, then they make us get off the ride ... then these guys with tool belts and duct tape show up and start working on the coaster.

After a few minutes they have us get back on the ride.

And I am thinking … hey, don’t you want to maybe do a practice run?

I mean, do you want to be the first ones to ride the roller coaster after the fucking duct tape guys are working on it?

What the hell?

So, yeah … I rode it.

And while I was at Six-Flags, I went to the gift shop to get DICK key chains for my boys.

You know, the ‘name’ key chains they have in every gift shop.

I always used to buy a DICK key chain as a souvenir.

In fact my friend Sammy and I still carry around our Sacramento Kings DICK key chains.

But you know what … there is no DICK key chains anymore?

What the hell?

I mean they have Dakota, Sierra and Chance … but no Dick???

Yes, they have Richard, but …….. well, fuck!!!

I mean god damn … what in the hell is going on in this world of ours? No DICK key chains???

And how great is it that as a society we used to think nothing of naming our son the number one slang term for penis.

Naming your kid Richard and calling him Dick.

What’s the number one slang for vagina?

Hello, this is my daughter Mary, but we like to call her Pussy.

By the way … no Pussy key chains either …

You know those Sketchers Shape-Up shoes … those shoes with the curved soles to work out your calves, legs, ass etc while you are just walking around.

Well I have a problem with those things.

And here is my problem … cuz I see all these gnarly fat ladies wearing them … and I think they wear them as a pass on the gym or an exercise program. Like some sort of justification for eating those deep fried Twinkies.

You know like, hey … I am totally working out, I have on my Sketchers Shape-Ups so I can totally stay on my chicken nugget, milkshake diet.

It’s like when they have ‘low fat’ cookies … so people mow even twice as many … to totally negate any benefit they may have had.

An popular old SINacle bit was words that just sound foul … like ‘ointment’ or ‘moist’ …

Well let’s add another couple things to this …

Words or phrases that sound like sex or a sex act:

Pulled-Pork.

Every time I am watching the food channel (wearing my Shape-Ups) and they start talking about pulled-pork … I always think it’s gonna be some guy getting jerked off.

And here is another bit … words or phrases that sound nice, but are really awful …

Friendly-Fire.

Ahhh, that sounds nice … friendly-fire.

That’s nice … except the fact that it means you were gunned down by your own troops.

Feel free to add your own in the SINacle comments …

I have done bits railing on the old Beverly Hills 90210 … but do yourself a favor and check out Jason Priestley’s new show … Call Me Fitz … (Audience Network, DirecTV 239).

About a sleazy, womanizing car salesman … funny funny shit.

So my daughter is going to bed, she is playing a ‘game’ on her moms iphone … I go in to say goodnight, she says ‘daddy, want to play this game with me’ … sure baby …

It’s this game, this app, where you make Icees (slurpees, slushes, whatever the fuck you call ‘em)

So we pick out the cup, the top, the straw and we pick out our flavor … cherry or cola or swirls … we fill up the cup.

I ask her how do we win? What do we do now? How do we score points? What’s the point?

She looks at me … nothing … that’s it, we make slurpees …

Huh?

So I kiss her goodnight, she says wait daddy … we have to clean up the machine …

What the hell? That is the end of the game … you have to clean up the Icee machine.

Geeezus fuck … who put out this app, 7-11?

Is it a career training application? What’s next, the nacho machine game?

God I am worried about this country … we have so much technology … so much technology that we waste it on ‘games’ that we just make fucking slurpees.

Maybe I will get the sandwich making app … or the cut your fingernails app …

Ok, I gotta run …

Oh and for those wondering … flights to Amsterdam are going for $1300 - $1600 …

- Until next time - SEM