I was flipping thru the channels and saw this movie coming on:

'My Sexy Babysitter Is a Horny Wet Slut’

I thought for a second it was a Lifetime movie but turns out it was pay per view channel 117

Two things … I was helping my daughter with her homework (no that’s not the bit) … but there was an exercise on counting change … so here is my question … why are dimes so fucking small?

What, is it just to make learning that shit harder? Throw the kids a curveball? Yeah, it wouldn’t make any sense to make them worth more by size …

And I was helping her with some project on wild animals and we had to look up Tasmanian Devils … and I saw the way she looked at it … remember how bummed you were when you first saw what a real Tasmanian Devil looked like … disappointed that it wasn’t some crazy thing with big teeth that spun around like a wild man kicking up dust, growling at everything, trying to eat Bugs Bunny. It’s almost as bad as the first time you heard Mike Tyson talk.

You know cartoons have taught me so much … I mean, they introduced me to tumbleweeds and anvils … but sometimes they just steer you so wrong.

So the 2011 Super Bowl … Pittsburgh vs Green Bay.

This tells you all you want to know about why the NFL is the king of all sports and Major League Baseball and the NBA take a backseat.

Salary cap, and not just a salary cap … a hard cap.

Baseball has no cap. So the New York Yankees can just spend and spend and spend and teams like the Athletics and the Nationals end up being farm systems for the large market clubs.

The Devil Rays had a nice run but now there best player, Carl Crawford just signed with the Red Sox … Tampa Bay just couldn’t afford to keep their team together.

Pittsburgh vs Green Bay in the Super Bowl … there is nooooo way the Pittsburgh Pirates would battle the Milwaukee Brewers for the World Series title. (yes, I know they are in the same league, but I am just trying to make a point)

And those of you who scream that the NBA has a salary cap … well they do … but it’s a ‘soft’ cap, not a hard cap and that’s why Mark Cuban can spend 180 million in team salary and the Sacramento Kings are trying to shed payroll.

The Knicks will always spend more than the Kings … but in the NFL the Jets can’t spend any more than the Buccaneers … which levels the playing field and every team has a chance to win.

So it’s nice that dollars and cents don’t play a role in deciding a champion … it comes down to personnel decisions, coaching etc …

Imagine being a fan in Pittsburgh … you know the day pitchers and catchers report that your team is already 14 games out of first place and you have absolutely zero chance of ever getting to the World Series but in a few months you will be rooting for your football team that has more Super Bowl titles than any franchise in history.

Moving on …

Have you noticed the liberal use of ‘bleeps’ on television today?

Ever since that bitch Janet Jackson exposed that saggy tittie we have been censored to death, but television has found a loophole.

The use of ‘bleeps’ … watch Family Guy or South Park or one of these show and they just write these scripts like they are rated ‘R’ movies … they just use the ‘bleeps’ where the censored word is.

So they can still say ‘fuck you’ and don’t even try to write it differently … they just say ‘bleep you’.

It’s part of the show … and it’s brilliant.

It has gotten really bad … I was watching Cheers reruns and they actually bleeped it! I couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on … but they bleeped it again! And I realized they were bleeping out the word ‘bitch’. And this was a rerun of a show that aired on network television in the 80’s, but now in 2010-2011 they feel like they have to censor Shelley fucking Long???

That bleeping sucks.

So my friend was going camping … freezing ass cold and it she was going camping.

First, for those who don’t know me … I hate being cold and I hate being dirty … so needless to say, camping has never been my thing.

So this friend of mine tells me she went and got a sleeping bag for her camping trip and it was rated a ’30 below’ sleeping bag.

What the fuck? You go out and buy a sleeping bag that supposedly will keep you warm if the temperature drops under 30 degrees?

30 degrees?

Gonna go pack up some of your shit … find a nice place in the dirt … set out your 30 below sleeping bag and spend the night?

For fun?

Hmmm, yeah, that sounds fabulous.

Yeah, who needs the Caribbean.

When she told me about this trip … I told her if I had the choice between going on that kind of camping trip or spending the night at the county jail ………. I would hope that it’s meatloaf night in lockup, cuz I am grabbin’ me a cot!

So they have been playing the old Batman’s on the HUB network and I have been checking ‘em out.

First why is Robin always fucking yelling? He can’t just talk, whether he is in costume or not, he just screams every line … not scream so much as it looks like he is trying to push out a shit while he is talking.

And is there a more worthless super hero than Robin? Hell, maybe Aquaman … but really … Robin?

Who would you rather be Aquaman or Robin? Well I guess if there was some big ‘in ocean’ crime where you needed the power of sea creatures to help out … other than that … you’re pretty much worthless … and Robin is pretty much just a little queer … running around in tights living with an older, rich, single gentleman … just seems a little fishy. (unintentional pun)

Ok, sorry, back on track … so I caught one of those old Batmans and this one had a guest appearance by The Green Hornet and Kato (no, not Seth Rogan … Van Williams and Bruce Lee) so the two super duos eventually square off the fight each other … Green Hornet vs Batman and Kato vs Robin … and since they are promoting both shows they have to each exchange punches and kicks ... Batman vs Green Hornet, whatever … but I am mesmerized by this fight between Robin and Kato … where Robin lands a punch then Kato lands a kick … keep in mind this is Bruce Lee vs Burt Ward.

I mean, how long did it take the producers to talk Bruce Lee into getting hit by Burt Ward? I mean even in a TV show … his ego had to be tearing at him … Bruce Lee vs Robin?

You know he wanted to just putting a good old Bruce Lee whippin’ on Robin. Just accidentally land a round house … he must have been disgusted …

Imagine what he had to say to all his karate buddies after it aired … yeah … Robin … bleeping pussy …

My son coaches a kids basketball team … kids like 9 or 10 years old. His first game they get beat 57-17. I suggest going to the ‘four corners’ … he has no idea what I am talking about … immediately I feel old, and I then explain …

The ‘four corners’ was what college basketball teams did before there was a shot clock … they would get a lead and they basically spread out and hold onto the ball for minutes on end … passing it back and forth.

Teams would used it to kill the end of a game, but then teams that were overmatched started using it to keep games close … they would lose to better teams like 18-13 cuz all they did was stand around.

So the fans revolted, stopped watching games … it was basically what prompted the shot clock and it was the end of boring ass basketball.

That was until they founded the WNBA.

They could put a 10 second shot clock on that piss and I would still rather go camping …

OK … go bleep yourself …


- Until next time - SEM